Men shouldn't write sex scenes

I don't know. Maybe I've posted about this before, but here I am again. Men shouldn't write sex scenes. At least, they shouldn't write them if any women are going to read their books. I honestly can't think of a sex scene in a book written by a man that hasn't in some way made me want to say "ewww."

I'm listening to a Ridley Pearson book on CD now while I drive all over hell and gone in northern California doing my new day job. I picked it because I knew the pace of it would keep me interested and awake. It absolutely has not disappointed. In fact, listening to it may have helped me figure out why I'm struggling so with my WIP.

There's one couple in the book who are getting it on pretty consistently. She's his boss in real life, but then of course likes to be mastered in the boudoir. It's a little cliche and I think definitely a male fantasy thing that has more to do with power and control than attraction and sex. That was my first turn-off. Then there's the idea that he actually wants a deeper emotional connection with her which she is saying no to. She just wants to have hot hotel sex in a variety of positions. I am definitely pro hot hotel sex and variety as well, but seriously, it's starting to get a little skanky. Plus, there's always a little something of that power struggle going on. He walks into the hotel room, unzips his pants and she drops to her knees. In fact, she's on her knees a lot. Oh, and she's always telling him how hot he is and how great he is in bed. One more complaint, who says pubis? I mean, in the middle of this pretty darn explicit sex scene, there's the word pubis. Talk about jolting a reader out of the moment!

I'm singling out Ridley here, but quite honestly, he's not alone. I wonder if men who read novels with sex scenes written by women have the same "ewww" reaction. Is it something in how we're wired? In what we find sexy? Do you see a difference? Am I making this all up?

Sex as an excuse to forget -- good writing

Sex week has yielded an interesting discussion so far -- one I'm not sure I have much to add to. One of the disadvantages to being later in the week, at least when we accidentally fall into one of these theme weeks, is that by Wednesday I've got nothing to say. :) But you know me, I rarely have nothing to say. So here goes...

I've been thinking about the "great sex scenes have to be about the characters' emotions" assertion... And while I don't disagree, I wonder if it's that simple.

I think the key to a great sex scene boils down to what makes any scene great. Clear goals, strong motivations, and lots of conflict and tension.

In a "make them wait" kind of romance I agree it is emotions that make those later in the book sex scenes so wonderful. We're already so invested in the relationship that we're right there with them, and it's easy to feel what the physical intimacy is changing for the couple as they consummate their developing love.

But I do think that an early-in-the book sex scene can work, too. Even if we aren't very invested in the romance at that point of the story. Those scenes don't always work... and if they don't work they can feel horribly contrived, but they can work. And maybe the key to making scenes like that work lies in the same principles that make any scene work -- having a purpose, having conflict, having something happen other than "THEY HAD SEX".

Most experienced writers would never write a scene in which the hero and heroine sweep the floor, or play cards, or even go sky diving, if all that happens in that scene is floor sweeping or card playing or sky diving. Something else has to be going on. Something else has to be revealed. Something needs to change. And "they've had sex now" isn't enough of a change in most cases.

Any scene needs to move the story forward, it needs to have conflict, it needs to have at least one of the major characters wanting something they aren't getting, or getting something they don't want... and if it's pivotal, it needs to have an unexpected outcome, or some kind of a reversal or a turning point.

Most writers know this about scene and story structure (even if it's instinctively). So why do many writers drop these principles when it comes to a sex scene?

What happens during a sex scene needs to matter... it needs to reveal plot points the reader doesn't already know and/or change things... It can't be just about the sex. Those are the skippable sex scenes. If they're skippable -- if you can pick up the story without reading the sex scene and still have the story make sense-- then that sex scene shouldn't be there. Just like any scene that could be skipped shouldn't be there.

Not sure I'm saying anything today that hasn't already been said. And I'm certainly not implying that I always do a good job with this myself... But I did use the word SEX a lot, so maybe we'll get lots of new visitors through google. :)

What I learned about sexy from reviewers

When I first pitched Hold Back the Dark, my first romantic suspense novel, to my agent, she said, "You know they'll have to boink, right?"

I did know. I had written four chick lit novels where all boinking happened off the page. There was some warm-up activities, some heavy breathing and then my characters would wink and shut the door. We all knew what was happening, but I didn't describe it. In a romantic suspense novel, my first to be shelved in the actual romance section, there would have to be on-the-page boinking. I felt like I totally went for it. I specified body parts and which parts were touching the other parts and how the parts felt and everything.

Romantic Times rated the book "mild." Mild? MILD? They had no idea how much teasing I endured from friends and acquaintances about those sex scenes and how exposed I felt when writing them. I had some great reviews for that book, but not a single one of them said the book was sexy.

Then I wrote Don't Kill the Messenger. Again, my agent brought up the boinking. I said I had it under control. Once again, it's on-the-page boinking, but since this was more an urban fantasy I did dodge a little bit. There's not as much detail. I'm pretty sure everybody knows what's happening, but it's slightly more euphemistic. The scenes have a lot to do with my heroine relinquishing control a little bit and the give and take between these two strong people.

Guess what? Almost every review has had the word "sexy" in it.

So what have I learned? The sexy is not in the details. The sexy is in the mood and the interplay between the characters. Even if there are other body parts on the page, the sexy is still all in the head.